Friday, February 20, 2015

Silver Linings ~ An Update

Yesterday, they removed my husband's large breathing tube and inserted two smaller ones. They also removed the sedative that kept him unconscious. When I came into his room yesterday, his eyes were open. He appeared to be in extreme discomfort, however, and was soon given more morphine after which he dozed off. But he saw me and I saw his eyes. 

You may wonder about these not very good and weird looking pictures. I don't seem to take pictures any more. Thinking about this, one day at sunset, I went outside. The clouds were pretty, but I have so many cloud pictures. Then I looked at my juniper trees, picked one and went underneath its branches. Without paying attention to what I was doing, I began to take pictures. The pictures didn't come out well for the most part, but the process stirred my creativity. A very good thing. I will go back some day soon and pay more attention. Junipers are very interesting, and still alive, in this horrific drought.

My husband arrived in the ER in septic shock, a life-threatening condition. The infection that caused this was diagnosed as E. coli bacteria in his blood. Both his liver and kidneys were failing. His kidneys are doing better and dialysis is not needed. But his blood pressure is not working correctly without medicines and he had another episode of irregular and very, very fast heartbeat the night before yesterday. And of course his liver is all messed up. He is now in critical, but stable, condition. Sadly, being more aware, he will suffer more. 

As I was driving through the desert yesterday on my way to UCLA, several people called me to ask if I had watched the news coverage about the super bug at UCLA Ronald Reagan Hospital, where my hubby is. Where he too had a scope inserted, where he too developed a life-threatening infection afterwards. I told them all that I am already extremely angry with the attending physician who released him too early the week before. I feel like I can't add to my anger, I need to keep my anger in check, so as not to waste energy. I need energy to be there for my husband, for whatever may come. 

Because of the super bug, the road to UCLA Ronald Reagan Hospital was saturated with media trucks when I arrived. I asked the doctor in charge at the ICU about the scopes and the super bug. He said my husband didn't have the super bug, he had sepsis, as if that would be an improvement. Then he added, "who knows why your husband got so ill, with his already compromised health and all." So I guess that will be the hospital's take on what happened. 

So how am I, and where are the silver linings here, you may ask. Well, if I were healthy to begin with, I would be doing very well. But I have type 1, insulin dependent, diabetes and after 25 years of keeping it under good control, it is now messing with me, taking over my life, my mind, my body and my general health. For the first time, I'm scared. Stress is the reason I can't manage it right now. 

I understand how my body works, but it is so difficult to administer the correct, not too little, not too much, insulin amounts with a bunch of stress hormones being released at the same time. My insulin pump and test strips are the silver linings here. I check my sugars all the time. I plan to add the results into a spreadsheet I have and then analyze it and hope I can reprogram my pump to better respond to the stress factor. I must work on that today.

You know, all I ever wanted was to have a fun blog, full of pretty nature pictures, silly dogs, hiking in the hills, vegetable garden, and so on. And here I am with all this.

There's a time to live and a time to die, that I know. In between there may, for some of us, be a time of suffering. My husband will really suffer now. I don't feel prepared for the days to come, but I feel my strength, that old Viking woman is alive in me, ready to take on whatever comes.

OK, Silver Linings: Our niece and her husband who live within 50 miles from us (a short distance here) both social workers who know a lot, will drive me to UCLA when they can, and are providing all kinds of love and support. A 50 mile drive through the desert to their house is sooo much better than those last 50 miles in Los Angles freeway traffic and general craziness.

Wednesday, I went to town, to see a friend at her office, just to let her know what happened. A client of hers comes in, hears what I say and comes up and gives me a big hug. So does my friend. Then the other woman tells me I have a big nail in my front tire. 

The tire shop is just down the road. A huge and friendly guy there tells me to wait a minute, arrives with something to remove the nail and check if air is escaping. Well, the nail was super short, not really a nail at all. And the tire was fine. 

Went to Save-on for my test strips and got another big hug from a woman I know there, who knows how sick my husband is.

Then everyone in my husband's very large circle of family and friends are calling. I talked to so many people, I lost my voice. Silver linings: Every single person, including his guy friends, ask me how I am holding up. They ask if I need anything (meaning money, visits, anything), one friend says I can let him know anytime and he will fly in from Denver. About 12 - 15 relatives from the greater Los Angeles area visited him last Sunday and prayed for him, left a card with all their names for him to see when he woke up. 

I still can't believe they let them all into the ICU at the same time. Thinking of germs and bugs being carried in there.......

Then there's Samson who has been an exemplary dog. You could not ask for a more helpful, loving, good and patient dog. My silver-tipped fluff monster, the best silver lining ever.

While Puppy Faith has been a total bad ass. She's like a bad teenager, taking advantage of an absent mommy. She'll be OK given some time, training, and attention. When I cried in bed the other day, she crept up onto my shoulder and licked my tears away. Silver linings.....

My good friends, those I can touch, those I have known for years, and the new ones here in the canyon.

And, finally, all of you my blogger friends, who I can't touch, but whose loving thoughts and prayers reach me through this virtual landscape, touch my heart and help me so much. On the days I am home, I have little time to visit blogs, but I will try. I wonder how you are when I don't visit. So I will try. Until then, stay well.....


  1. I wish I could kiss your & your hubby's tears away, my dear friend!!

  2. i have been thinking of you all week. yes, i thought of your husband when i saw the news report. i am concerned for both of you. i am so grateful for your niece and nephew's assistance and support of you. and i love all the support from those you know - and even those you don't. bless each and every one who can lift you in the slightest way - and that includes bad girl, faith. :)

  3. Inger we are keeping you and your husband in our prayers at my house. It is very hard to go through this with your husband And it has to be even harder that he is so far away. I pray for him to recover quickly and be back home with you. Thank God for all your family and friends and for your doggie-kids! Hang in there my friend!

  4. Oh my goodness, I would give you a hug if I were there. You and your husband have many dear friends and relatives offering to help, I can tell you are good people to attract such support. And your sweet dogs are helping you too.

  5. Dear Inger, thanks so much for sharing your stress, your pain, your fears, your concern and anger with us and even your silver linings. It all too much to bear alone.

    I'm so glad that so many friends, relatives are by your side for support. It's so important right now. I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers and please don't worry about checking my blog. I'm back home from my visit and back at work at the farm.

    I'm hoping that they can stabilize your husband and clear that infection and help minimize the pain.

    Big warm hugs.

  6. my heart hurts for you and I am so glad you updated us. you manged to find silver linings and all of them are great ones. so happy that you have so many friends and family that care... be sure you call on them and use them if you need them, don't hesitate to call for help from those who offer. prayers for your hubby and for you and for you bad ass black dog.. LOL she looks so guilty.... i am sure it is hard on her since she is still a puppy. Samson looks so handsome i want to hug him.... hugs from blog land

  7. I wish i had a miraculous touch to take away all that is painful and leave you and your husband with nothing but silver linings. You wrote this out so well and i think every one of us could put ourselves in your shoes and know how you are feeling - those ups and way downs and then all the love from people in your life. I won't add to the stress about that super bug at the hospital with any comments on that.

    I personally know at a very deep level (i was almost gone with bacterial meningitis in 2011 ...that miracles are always out there and who knows ...who can predict the future but no matter what i have a feeling that viking in you WILL prevail. I pray for your husband's ease and comfort (and yours also) with everything that he is experiencing. Just being able to see you probably lifted his spirits and that Samson is so handsome (hey I rhymed a bit) and the little one so cute.

  8. Dear Inger, another silver lining I see in your posting is that you are truly living in the grace and beauty and terror and tragedy of this moment. This moment in time. This moment in your life. This moment in your husband's life.

    Being in the moment is being in the stream of dynamic energy that connects all of us.

    And so I hope you feel the Oneness of love that is flowing throughout and within the Universe and into your very being. It is a Oneness that brings with it all the meaning of your being and your husband's. The meaning of hope and love. Of forsaking all others. Of the vows you spoke together. Of the life you have shared. Of the memories that comfort both of you.

    You and he are One in the Great Beauty and Expectation of Being. I hope you can feel the peace that comes from the love all of us are sending the two of you. Love, Dee

  9. Both Samson and Faith are definitely Silver linings.
    Your photos are have a certain beauty in them. Look at them and see what an intriguing photographer you are. That might relax you. Also, diabetes gets aggravated with stress. It is not easy to relax in times like these. Please try as you have to be calm for Samson and Faith.
    You need to be in good health. I try Yoga in times of stress. It gives me a gentle enough exercise to keep my diabetes under control while keeping my spirits some what at a better level.
    My family and I will be praying for your hubby .

  10. I'm so glad you have friends and family that can help you some. I keep you both in my prayers dear one. Sweet hugs, Diane

  11. It seems like everyone has covered the bases.
    I wish more silver linings for you and your husband.
    You deserve them.


    I raise my Ulfberh Viking Sword Blade up with you, You Swedish Goddess you. Always.


  13. Sending healing energy in my thoughts.... Big Texas ((((((( (hug) )))))))

  14. It is good to have so many people helping you and are there for you. I continue to pray for you and your husband each morning.

  15. Silver linings, kindnesses from friends and strangers and the love and comfort you get from your dogs will help you get through these difficult days. You are in my thoughts, dear Inger.

  16. Oh Inger Feral Woman said exactly what I was thinking. HUGS HUGS HUGS. I like your junipers. xoxoxo B

  17. Inger, I am so glad to hear that you have friends and family there to give you the support you need. Please understand that you have so many people out here that care and are praying for you and your husband.

  18. Dear Inger, I am so glad friends, and family closer to you, are all offering so much support and love and care, Samson and Faith, buddies extraordinaire, and all of us out here. I send heaps of love and hugs as you go through this tough time, and I hope with all my heart your man has less pain, the Doctors and staff take the utmost care they can, they tell you everything they need to, and more. Your sugar levels, I hope they get under control, and if family or friends can drive you all that way, this might be a time for you to close your eyes and get some relaxation. Hugs from down here in NZ

  19. That super bug is all over the news at work and on the radio. I've been thinking about your husband and wondering. Did they test him for that particular bug? I can't remember the name; just that it is ver specific and very hard to treat. I continue to think about you and your husband all the time. I'm glad you have the support of friends, family and community. Take care of yourself. Watch that diabetes, like I know you are. We're all pulling for you; whatever happens.

  20. Samson is my hero. Faith is still a puppy, but right now, you need composure not puppy-itis! The hospital will, of course, cover itself with that Super Bug. I am glad you have family to take you those hectic last 50 miles into Los Angeles. Diabetes is so hard to stabalize with all the stress hammering at you.

    I have been praying for you hard each and every day. There are no easy answers in this situation. Your times are in the Father's Hand, and I pray he smooths out your diabetes at least!! I am so glad it was not a nail in your tire. Know that each morning and each evening I pray for you. May you find some peace and rest in all of this. It is hard to watch as one you love suffers. :-(

  21. Your blog is real, life is not always happy thoughts and pretty pictures. It's hard to be so far away from the hospital and can only add more stress than you need at the moment, hope you can get your insulin doses in check. Wish I lived closer, but accept this internet hug, take care, give Samson an internet hug too. And one for Faith as well.

  22. I'm so sorry, Inger, as I can identify with how you feel. It's so hard to see our hubs in pain and with breathing tubes and other medical help. I'm glad you have family nearby, that was something I didn't have except for a couple of days. I will send healing energies your hubs way and to you too. You can be strong if Viking blood runs in your veins. . .when and if you need to vent, you have my email. Have faith (just like your pup's name should remind you) and never give up hope. I was and still continue to fight worry every day, but I refuse to give in to stress. Sending a virtual hug your way. Hope burns eternal.

  23. I am so glad you are feeling so many personal hugs and want to join in on the virtual hugs. I thought of you when I heard of the problems with the super bug at your hospital. I've been in the dark here thanks to an ice storm but am back again with the lights on.
    Do take care of yourself and know for certain you have so many who care about you. Praying still for your husband to take that turn for the better.

  24. Dear Inger,
    I am so very sorry to read this post, my dear friend...
    I have been out of internet and only now I can read your updates posts.
    My heart aches and hurts for you and for your husband.
    I will send healing prayers and positive energies to your husband will be better!.
    I am glad to hear that you have many family members and friends near you and to give you all the support you need in this moment. Take care of you too.
    I wish I could to be there with you to give you many warm and big hugs.
    Much Love!

  25. Sending kisses to adorable Samson and Faith!
    Much Love to you too!

  26. Sending hugs, many hugs, and thinking of you. Good boy, Samson. Tell Faith to be better behaved, please, Samson. xxx

  27. I'm thinking of you. You are doing as well with all this as anyone could. That's a fact.

  28. Dear Inger,
    I started following at the first of the year. I have been praying for you during this time and reading all your posts. Thank you for keeping us posted, I am sure it is hard to write it all out, but maybe helpful too.
    Your photos are cool.
    xx oo

  29. Oh my goodness - I love the fact you are finding some silver linings in a very sad situation. I don't know why but I know it is a good thing for you to do. I haven't stopped praying. I know you love your hubby so much. I hate that he will be in m ore pain waking up. He has so many friends and so do you. I did not hear that report about the hospital but I am not surprised. You need to be careful too. Your are tight - don't use your energy at getting angry now - use it taking care of yourself and your husband. Stress I know from experience changes the old blood sugar so try to take it easy - and I know you can't. But know I will keep praying. Love, sandie

  30. Dear Inger ... I feel for you both - controlling your diabetes and then trying not to worry too much re your hubby. I learnt to let go at times when things were really unpleasant ... but I wasn't ill ... and it was my mother and not my husband ... I'm so happy he was aware you were there. I too am surprised that they let all your hubby's relatives in ... may be not - maybe only one or two as family representatives.

    I love the juniper tree photo ... as too the beloved 4 legs - good for Samson, and Faith - what can one say.

    Your silver linings are great - it is seeing the positives, however small, as we go along these long paths that help us each day ...

    I've been thinking of you - and am so pleased everyone is rallying around helping and offering that help - I hope you take some of it up .... just to hold on to some of that very precious energy you are conserving ...

    With big thoughts and hugs ... love Hilary

  31. First off Inger, I really like these photos....they cover and protect yourself and us from the harsh realities of life you are experiencing at this time. They are perfect for this post.
    Yes there are always a number of 'silver linings' there for us to hang on to when things get rough. You are fortunate to see them and use them at this time.
    Your husband is so fortunate to have you, Viking Woman, on his side for support and care. It may not be 'hands-on' but he knows you are there now......which will help him get through the suffering and pain.
    And just look at at Samson and Faith.......what would we do without their 'support'?
    Please take care and sending you much needed positive thoughts and good energy to help you through this, Inger. You can and will do this.

  32. Having just gotten home from the sudden loss of my brother, I know the feelings you're having and looking for the "silver lining." I can tell you with all certainty, that having our pups there provide a lot of comfort during these times. I couldn't have gotten through what I've just been through without them. Stay strong, and know that I'm sending lots of prayers and the best of vibes for yours and your husbands continued strength that those silver linings become the bright clouds and sunshine. Take care!

  33. Oh dear, Inger. What challenges you and your husband are having. But you are a strong woman, and obviously in the thoughts and prayers of many people. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful support system.

  34. What an amazing support system it sounds like you have. Prayers are going up for you & your husband.

  35. What an amazing support system it sounds like you have. Prayers are going up for you & your husband.

  36. Oh dear! This is just so hard. I can imagine how the stress is affecting your health. You must stay sting. You just must!

  37. Oh, my dear friend. What a hard time you are having. Hugs and good wishes. Prayers, too. How sweet that Faith wants to snuggle, and apologize! And, Samson is your rock. I hope each day brings good things to all of you.

  38. I know what you mean about wanting to write about the beauty all around us and the silly things that happen, happy thoughts, but not all our days are like that. These are the days of our lives, as the old soap opera stated, and you have every reason to be sad, hopeful, stressed, grateful, and despairing at times. All your blogging friends are with you, even in cyber space.

  39. Thinking about all of you today! And I hope today is better then yesterday, and tomorrow to be even better XOXOX

  40. Dear Inger. I'm just so sad to learn that your husband has been in such physical distress! I watched my aunt battle sepsis and I now how scary this is for you! And I am concerned with your diabetes. Stress is certainly difficult to avoid in your current situation, but I'm so pleased to learn that you have people in your life who know how to comfort and stand by you and your husband. Bless you, dear one, and YES you are in my prayers. I feel so concerned, but I'm trusting that you'll both come through this. Please let your hubby know that there are "strangers" who are praying for him. ox (Debra/breathelighter)

  41. Just came by to let you know I'm keeping you in my thoughts.


Thanks for leaving a comment.. ~~ Inger


Related Posts with Thumbnails