Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sunday Morning Reflections

Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;

William Wordsworth

It feels like so much in my life has been turned upside down since May. That was the busiest time here at the ranch with an incredible amount of yard work to be done, weeds and grass to be cut back, a fence to be painted, vegetables to be planted, and flowers too. I felt I mustn't get depressed and friends helped. Rachael came and helped with the yard work, Jane sent books, other friends supported me with emails and cards, and all of you my blogger friends helped enormously. Then Princess died and it was so sad. I am still so sad when I go outside and she is not there by my side like she always was, looking out for me. But you have to move on and not give in and get depressed about things. Then, when I am getting so much better this stupid car accident happens. 

What I am reflecting on this Sunday morning is that I have to keep my spirits up, I must not get down and feel sorry for myself, and I must not be afraid. And I am afraid. I am now afraid of falling and afraid of driving. I remember the rule of horseback riding: When you fall off you must get right back up on the horse again. Well, I can't drive right now and I feel my mind trying to play fear games with me. 

This may be difficult to understand if you are young, but I am not, and I keep wondering what will happen next and will I have time to recover. Will my left arm and shoulder ever be OK now? Can I have fun again? Will I ever be able to hike in the mountains again or walk in the hills with my dogs? Will I even ever be able to walk Soldier again, my poor boy. That's how my mind goes on and on.

Then Jane sent the book that's on my nightstand (see sidebar) and I opened it and on the front page I found  the poem by Wordsworth. And the book is about a person with strength to move beyond the incredible suffering that came out of Africa, in Rwanda and Burundi. 

Reading this book is putting my own modest suffering in perspective. The poem gave me a line to hang on to, just  in case: We will grieve not, rather find -- strength in what remains behind.

Thank you Jane you had no idea of the perfect timing of this gift. Now you know.


  1. Great minds think
    Beautiful photo Inger.
    I know and understand what you are saying. I've learned to face whatever happens and not run from it or try to hide and pretend 'it' is not there. Your feelings of fear will not last last forever. You know that. You will drive again and walk Soldier again. But not right now. Allow yourself to heal and get stronger. Life is full of these 'mishaps''s what life is all about. Now the trick is to be ready for them!

  2. yes, that is one of my favorite poems as well - and i used to have that stanza written on my dorm room wall. perfect! hang in there. patience is probably in order. you have a right to your feelings, just try not to get them too imbalanced. maybe with what you're afraid of, do a litte at a time. just drive down your dirt road and back. then a little farther. if your mind is positive, i bet your body will recover with the work you put into recovery. again, you have a right to your feelings. as i just posted my blog on cancer, attitude is important, but good attitude doesn't mean you can't get sad or scared sometimes. i think it's important to swing and embrace the whole spectrum of feelings to ground ourselves. stuffing rarely does one a bit of good. sending good thoughts and prayers your way. hope you have a wonderful day.

  3. Jabacue: Friends said to me: You live up there all alone...aren't you afraid? NO. You walk in those hills, what if you ran in to a cougar or a bear, aren't you afraid? NO. You wrangle rattlesnakes all by yourself, aren't you afraid? NO. Well, I am afraid now, not terrified, but thinking about it. About falling and driving and being dependent on others.

    Hopeful: We must have passed each other on the blogs. As I read yours, with so much larger issues than mine. What you are saying to me here helps me a lot and I hope that what I said to you will help you some too. And knowing me, when I can drive again, I am SURE I will just drive. My mind was shook up and is playing tricks with me now. That's why I blogged about it. I just knew my friends would come through with wonderful and helpful comments such as yours and Jim's above. Thank you so much.

  4. We are in the same places, it seems. I am still working on getting the leg that I broke stronger.

    I have been in more car accidents than I want to tell you about. It took me really talking to myself to get back in the drivers seat.

  5. Peggy: Oh, too bad, you broke your leg. I'm so grateful I didn't break anything that had to do with walking. I really needed to share today so thanks for listening.

  6. No matter our age, we all go through fears and lack of confidence. Even if later, it seems silly, at the time, our fears are real and justified. Hang in there! Brighter days are ahead!! And you'll look back and look at this time in your life, and the circumstances, as a building block to a life that's stronger and happier than ever! I so enjoy reading about your life and appreciate the comments you add to my blog. Isn't it awesome how the Internet and blogging can bring total strangers together to support and love each other in this big ole' world of ours??

  7. I get it. I know how you feel. As we get older, the fear of becoming dependent comes more and more to the front of our minds. I've been lucky that I'm physically strong, and that I haven't had any serious injuries. My worries are more about my mind. My family lives forever, and becomes very senile. Every time I forget something lately, it sets off the worries. That quote will give me strength.

  8. Jeff: Thank you so much for your sweet and wise comment. It is amazing but true that you meet such good people that become your friends on the blogs. I am glad you are blogging b/c I enjoy reading about your life too.

    Louise: I'm glad you understand. I never thought about it before, dependency, I mean. Nor have I ever been afraid of things, the way I feel now. Hopefully, this will pass. I'm glad the poem touched you, like it touched me.

  9. Hi Inger! Nice quote, things change, but it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. You will get strong again, it's just gonna take some time. I know I get down sometimes, when my health is bad, but if I let it get me and keep me, I would be lost and I'm not ready for that. Take care of yourself and everything will fall back into place!


  10. Inger, thank you for sharing this with us. I think it will help us all. What lovely comments people have left. I enjoyed them all. I am 74 so I understand these thoughts and worries. I am glad you have the dogs, and am glad they weren't with you in the car.

  11. Sharon: I just had to let out some of my fears to help me overcome them. And I knew I would get all this wonderful feedback from my blogger friends. Thank you so much my friend.

    Barbee: Thank you so much for helping me get started with my blog. I will never forget it. I am 70 now and never felt it before this summer and now the insecurities has set in, but I will be OK soon. I didn't even think about the possibility of the dogs being in the car as I was on my way to the dentist. That would have been so awful. I love hearing from you.

  12. Inger - Hang in there, my friend. I know it is scary and this recent setback doesn't make sense but, there is ALWAYS a reason for everything. You are a strong & independent pioneer woman and you will persevere no matter what! There is a great quote (I can't remember who said it) and it goes something like this: "If your mind was a place, you wouldn't go there alone in the dark." There is no actual fear that compares to the fear our minds can create themselves. So, I want you to remember that you never walk alone. You may experience some adversity in the form of lessons in life but you are never alone. Remember: Archangel Michael is in charge of protection and helping to lend courage & strength to all. It is his pleasure to offer Divine Assistance, so call on him and he will be with you. Take care my friend.

  13. Inger, I understand the fear of car accidents. Even though my accident had nothing to do with cars, now I'm a little nervous in cars. I find myself thinking that if I got hurt riding my horse, how much more badly I could get hurt in a car accident. I think it's just my mind trying to protect my body, and when I truly heal, this will pass.

  14. Great quote, I love quotes. I can understand your fear, even though I might be what you would call "younger", but once ones health is not as its best it does get scary, because of all the what ifs that our brain throws at us. Just take your time healing, it will get better, one day at a time. But it's like you said the other could have been worse and you need to focus on that it wasn't and that should keep you motivate to get better, the road of recovery is not as long as it could have been. Just keeping you in my thoughts. Get better real soon. Hugs to you!

  15. RAchael: I love that qoute and I do understand about mind games. That's what I said above: My mind is playing fear games with me. Putting it all in writing and sending it out for everyone to read has helped me a lot.

    Terry: I'm so glad you understand. Your horse is beautiful and so big!

    Tina: I'm trying to not go to the what ifs, but you are so right, my brain is doing numbers on me right now.

    But what wonderful comments I have received from everyone. You guys, my friends that I for the most part have never met, never hugged, and never talked to in person are becoming so important to me. Thanks, and Rachael, I will remember that I am a pioneer woman after all and that will not change.

  16. Everything that happened is scary and I understand that you are afraid. But things will get better. You have people who love and support you and you have strengths you never knew you had. You will come through this stronger for it. And I want to thank you for commenting on my blog. Please just read it if you want but don't try to comment until you are well and strong again. I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.

  17. I love the poem-I have a feeling I will like the entire book.
    I hate change too, and I have learned that with time I can handle just about anything life throws at me. Still, it doesn't mean that i stop hating change.:)
    About the small pictures in my sedebar you asked me about-honey, you are asking the WRONG girl. I am the least tech-inclined person you would ever meet. If the pics in my sidebar are small-well, that's just how they must have saved in my files because I did nothing more than paste then from my files to my blog.
    I hope you feel much better as the week goes on.

  18. Dear friend, you are the least fearful friend I know... I've always admired your spirit and willingness to live, most of the time alone,in the wilds of TC... Remember I've always called you a Pioneering Women... Please don't let this summer get you down, depressed or fearful. Take the steps you need to do to feel safer. Walk with your walking stick - even down to the mail box, etc. you know the drill... just think before you act and give yourself time to heal physically and mentally from these challenges. Take care.

  19. Callie: Thanks for you words and the good thoughts. I appreciate it.

    Polly: Thanks for getting back re pics. I know one can handle things but I am so glad I reached out and told you guys about my fears. I couldn't have imagined I would get all this SUPPORT.

    Retired Girl: Thanks for reminding me, like Rachael also did, about the Pioneer woman thing. They had it so much harder back then after all even if they couldn't get in any car accidents! I like that you think of me as a Pioneer woman, it gives me strength. Thank you.

  20. Inger,

    I understand your immediate fear of things related to those events of the very recent past. I know you know it is normal to have these fears. If it were not normal, there would be no wise sage reminders about getting back on the horse after falling. But there are fears that can consume us (unhealthy) and fears that can simply serve to remind us, give us pause (healthy).

    You are afraid of life not being as it used to be (it will never be the same as yesterday, but that doesn't mean there aren't some interesting challenges awaiting you, challenges that will give you little glimpses of miracles which you could never have seen had you been able to carry on as you did "yesterday." )

    From reading your blog over the past couple of months, I am confident you HAVE within you the WILL to continue "living" rather than simply existing. And, as they say, where there is a will, there is a way.... so, relax a little bit about the things you will not be able to do. You will be able to do all you WANT to do, if perhaps, in a different way, or at a different pace. Who cares if it takes more time... as long as you are enjoying it, why should we always be trying to get things done so quickly?

    Nah, I think you will be fine. You have healthy fears that will serve to propel you to drive again and to continue walking with those dogs you love so well. And I am convinced, you WILL have fun. Why? Because you love life and every miracle you witness (the coyote pup standing still long enough to have his photo taken) will only serve to make that love of life grow.

  21. oh, doesn't matter if issues seem larger or smaller, when they are yours, they're yours. glad you're blogging about your process. hopefully, the feedback can help when your mind starting "playing tricks". hang in there!


Thanks for leaving a comment.. ~~ Inger


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