Me, alone. Life after loss.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
~ Kahlil Gibran
I knew from the beginning that grieving was a process that I had to go through. A process I could not prepare myself for. I had no idea how strange it would be though. How guilt, sadness, joy and anger could be so mixed up in my emotions. How Christmas could be so much fun, yet New Years so awful. How I could remember our last good day out in Los Angeles on January 22, 2015, and forget our wedding anniversary a month later.
Immediately afterwards and for a long time, I just felt so sorry for Errol, so sorry that he didn't make it. I remembered how he tried to walk with me and the dogs and couldn't, how he tried to eat and couldn't. Then I felt so guilty that I couldn't help him. In the hospital he mouthed those words, "help me, help me," after they tied his hands so he couldn't rip out the tube in his throat or any of the rest of all the things stuck into him. I felt guilty too for giving consent to perhaps too many surgeries, all in the hope that they would cure his infection.
Then my grieving took me to a place where I just didn't want to think about him, and when I did, I was angry with him. For many reasons, but mostly because he wouldn't see a doctor sooner.
And now, I miss him. I want to share what's going on in the world with him. Events happen, the Superbowl came and went, terrorists, politics, snow and rain after all the dry years. Something on the news and I want to turn to him to talk to him about it and he is not here. It's hard.
Most of all I miss him holding me.
Still, I'm grateful for the more than thirty years of love, togetherness, caring, of all the good food he cooked for me, of him being there for me, having my back, as I would have his.
I miss holding his hand.....
It is so hard, Inger, to let go that which we love. I have to cherish many of my 'before' memories too. I got a lump in my throat reading this post. It must have been hard for you to write. We do have to go through those stages of trauma. Just know you have lots of friends who care. We are here.
ReplyDeleteHi Inger - you write so well of all the things that can (and did in Errol's case) form this chapter of life ... my mother didn't experience it - but others in the ward did ... so difficult ... and people just can't comprehend til they've been in a similar situation. The best thing are those thirty years of love ... of caring, of being there for one another ... and you were ... and then the memories of the wonderful times you had together ... not the same ... but good to have - with many thoughts .. and hugs - Hilary
ReplyDeletei feel your feelings today through your words, all of them, the good and the bad. i can't imagine because i don't know what it is to lose a husband.. but i do understand it is hard and what you are saying here makes it clearer... i think the thing i would miss the most is what you said about wanting to talk to him about current events and what is happening. thanks for sharing this
ReplyDeleteInger, thank you for sharing this. Your journey through grief is not only helping you but may also help someone else through theirs now or in the future.
ReplyDeleteThis is a gift from you and I am sure Errol is smiling.
Aww I'm sorry. I bet you do miss him.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. Such beautiful words in this post and so sad at the same time.
ReplyDeleteDebbie
My friend who lost her husband about 9 months ago, said something similar to me about holding his hand. God bless.
ReplyDeleteGreat post for G Inger. The things you miss - were also G ifts. Think how fortunate you had been to receive them, some never do.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful way to think about it!!
DeleteDear Inger, I agree the things you miss were gifts. I think you are brave to share your deep emotions. Everyone grieve in different ways so I don't think one can prepare for grieving. It's a natural process to desensitize us of a lost little by little so we can let go. Thank you so much for letting us follow you on this journey.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
JB
It is so sad to have to go through the grieving process. And I never understood why one could be guilty when one had done everything so carefully, and for the best. And then the person still dies. It's so easy to think you could have done more, or done things differently, but you did them for the right reasons. Just so hard to think that though. I hope soon your good memories will start to outweigh the painful ones.
ReplyDeleteYou are writing about this so well. It brings me to tears everyday!
ReplyDeleteEventually you will be able to see it in a new light. Like Jenny said, I too hope your good memories outweigh the painful one's. Just know, a greater healing is ahead.
ReplyDeleteHave a pleasant weekend, Inger.
That is one of my favorite quotes.
ReplyDeleteNice that you have so many good and happy memories. They will be the ones that you will remember.
All those emotions you are going through sound very normal to me.
You are writing about it so well and I'm sure it will help others too.
Inger, thank you for sharing this -- especially the part about Errol asking for help and for the guilt over maybe too many surgeries. I experienced the same with my mom (I had power of attorney for her healthcare) and I know at one point she was very angry with me for allowing the ventilator. But, I wanted her to live. We all did. I still feel tremendous guilt about putting my desire for her to live above her desire to be rid of the stuff and to be allowed to die. In the end, we did remove the vent and she did die -- and I know she forgives me, that she knows I did everything from a place of love but still... oh, this post has brought me to tears (again). Know that you are not alone in these experiences. Sending you a hug.
ReplyDeleteThe journey you have and are taking and the articulate way you are describing it has to be a comfort to someone who has had to travel the same road or is about to. Your posts are a blessing.
ReplyDeleteheartfelt and heartwrenching. thank you for your honesty.
ReplyDeletesending a virtual hand-hold. touch is such an important sense that we often overlook...
ReplyDeleteOh, Inger. Such a sensitive and tender proclamation of love.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautifully written and feels so very true. I am enjoying reading your wisdom in your A-Z posts, Inger.
ReplyDeleteLosing love is life's greatest pain and sorrow. You described it beautifully., Inger.
ReplyDeletemy heart hurts for you, bless you dear
ReplyDeleteVery touching post. Being a widow too, this touches many feelings and memories. Errol sounds like a wonderful man. You were lucky
ReplyDeleteHe is with you always.
ReplyDeleteInger,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing with us all of your thoughts and your grief. You'll probably always miss him, but the times will get better. And you have many friends among us bloggers who are here for you. Remember that. This writing is good therapy.
Sunni
http://sunni-survivinglife.blogspot.com/
Dear Inger, it is so sad and so hard to loss a person which we love so much.
ReplyDeleteI have tears on my face reading your words...
So beautiful your words of comfort and gratitude for more than thirty years of LOVE.
Sending to you many Hugs and much Love.
Thank you for sharing this with us ...your writing is beautiful and heartbreaking and so honest. I hope it helps you work through the pain. Sending you lots of love and support across the miles.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing yourself with us. I can barely breath at the thought of losing those closest to me. -Rhonda
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful Inger and you were blessed to have known such a man.
ReplyDelete