Me, alone. Life after loss.
Never be afraid to sit awhile and think.
~ Lorraine Hansberry, A Raisin in the Sun
I don't know about you, but I don't often sit for a while to think. This past year, thinking is something I have often tried to avoid. Thinking is what brought all those feelings I wrote about earlier, sorrow, guilt, and anger.
I have learned throughout my life that if you have a healthy mind, you are responsible for how you react to whatever happens in your life. I knew crying would be OK, but I didn't want thoughts about Errol in ICU to keep repeating in my mind, over and over again. Last year, after the funeral, after family and friends left, after I was alone uninvited thoughts would come into my mind. I would start to relive all the horrors of Errol's last year and I did not want to.
When images of him in that ICU bed would come, I would tell him to go away. I would even ask him to please go and come back in October, a safe several months away, hoping I would be better able to deal with it all by then.
To change the subject a little, it has been interesting to observe myself this past year. I had no time to think of myself or my thoughts for several years. Now that I could, I realized that facing old age alone would give me a chance to observe, without distractions, my feelings and thoughts on this process, so scary to many. Is it to me? Not sure yet.
Facing one's thoughts can be a scary prospect at times. Sometimes we must create some distance to give our minds a chance to heal and become healthy again.
ReplyDeleteInger, you are on good track to do this, my very wise friend.
I know what you mean about the thoughts that come unbidden and unwanted. I am inspired by your strength and wisdom to face them head on.
ReplyDeletei am cursed with the ultimate thinker and find it very difficult to turn it off. the only way i have found to turn it off is to focus on a movie or a book... or DO something that requires focus, like blogging, editing... of course when i stop any of that the thinker still thinks. and it does tend to replay bad things not good things.
ReplyDeleteThose thoughts of days of pain are so hard to block, and the first year is the most difficult. From your blog, it seems that you are doing your best to make your life meaningful. I hope the edges will soften with time and you come to a point when the good memories overshadow those that hurt.
ReplyDeleteI am like Sandra. There is no shutting certain things out. Life and the lack of it is hard.
ReplyDeleteGrowing old alone, at some point - happens to the half of us that make it over 65.
Hugs!
Good morning Dear Inger,
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments of many friends here, these sad thoughts of days of pain are so hard to block indeed...
But your words are so inspiring and I admire so much your strength and wisdom to face the life!
Love all the pictures, really you live in a beautigul place.
Many Hugs and much Love!
I think it's healing to face your thoughts and feelings, even your memories! The bad ones fade in time and the happy memories are what remain! I'm loving your A-Z Challenge posts this year. They are truly insightful.
ReplyDeleteI think I think too much!
ReplyDeleteI haven't had much time to think about growing old alone! With two teens yet in the house those thoughts are on a back burner. I look forward to some time alone. (I think). You have done an amazing job of grieving and healing this past year.
ReplyDeleteAn old mentor once told me that not thinking was not an option. Each second we thought about something: the trick was to re-focus our minds on images that helped not hurt. Easier said than done, right? To look up into the mountains where you live might be uplifting. The gulls by my work place and apartment help as I admire their gliding effortlessly through the azure skies. May the coming days be happier and easier on you. :-)
ReplyDeleteRoland has wise words to share. HUGS my dear Inger. hugs. B
ReplyDeleteRoland has wise words to share. HUGS my dear Inger. hugs. B
ReplyDeleteThoughts fly in unasked, and linger a while. I do hope in time the sad ones get less, and you can think about happier times, your mountains, your dogs, and yourself. When , for years, we have cared for another, our own lives go on hold, and it can be so hard to adjust and realise that we are a real person, and start to live a little for ourself. That is not selfish at all, but very real.Hugs from a wet morning here, the fire is lit, coffee made, and cats have had their breakfast, yes a little early at 5.30 a.m.!!
ReplyDeleteThe memories of my mom in the ICU haunted me in the same way. Thankfully, those thought don't return as often anymore. The good memories of times with Errol will gradually replace and outnumber the ICU ones. I promise.
ReplyDeleteIt's so understandable why you didn't want to"think" much for awhile. Painful situations with loved ones - well - understandable that we would want to avoid for awhile. I have had some suicides in my family and the images of what they did to themselves - well i would want to block that out but they eventually would still come until I just looked at them - and then finally when they do come up at times they are not so painful to see. I have always loved to be alone with my thoughts for the most part. Not sure what I will be like in the years ahead especially if I'm alone. You have a lot of strength from what I can see on your posts. You'll do fine. I find life so unpredictable at times. A year ago i would have never guessed I would be raising a teenager - a year ago last April that began and now I find it's been a year and another thing I didn't think would happen soon - is he is going home and things are healing.
ReplyDeleteDwelling on things that bring pain is way too easy to do. Much harder but healthier is replacing those thoughts by remembering those happy times you had with Errol. There are always so many more of those. It takes work but can be done. I know you are all ready learning to do this from some of your posts.
ReplyDeletei think far too much and spend a great deal of time alone. but i know the trauma you went through can be so hard as it replays over and over. but i'm hoping it dulls just a little bit each time it surfaces for you.
ReplyDeleteyou are precious
ReplyDeleteYou will find your way. You are strong.
ReplyDeleteObservation is a skill based on a personal evaluation, thinking is important for the mind to grow and survive. I like the garden bench image at the top of the post, Inger, it makes me want to sit awhile. . .I wish you an easier path for the healing of the loss.
ReplyDeleteHi Inger ... a thoughtful day - a time to note ... as this one has tremulously passed. Thinking about the challenging times is just something that happens and we need to let it go - somehow ... the good times, the peaceful times, the times with hope are what we need to remember ... yes sadly things will lead to 'that' day ... but it will come to us all - we've had relatively good times up to that 'then' ... it's so good to know you are thoughtfully moving on and absorbing all the good things of life that are available for you ... take care and with thoughts - Hilary
ReplyDeleteA very thought provoking post. Really liked the images you have used and they way they are interspersed through out. Every ending is also a beginning, though in the first throes of grief it is hard for us to realise that. Wish you healing and strength.
ReplyDeleteNilanjana.
Ninja Minion, A-Z 2016
Madly-in-Verse